There is a particularly dangerous version of the accidental Pharisee that shows up inside Christian marriages. He loves his wife. He is serious about God’s Word. He has done the reading, attended the conferences, listened to the podcasts on biblical manhood and spiritual leadership. And somewhere in all of that, without meaning to, he started using the Bible in arguments the way a lawyer uses case law; to win.<\/p>\n\n
His wife knows the difference between her husband opening scripture to find something together and her husband opening scripture to close a conversation. And she has stopped bringing things to him because she already knows how they end.<\/p>\n\n
Truth used as a hammer doesn’t build anything. It only breaks.<\/p>\n\n
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:25 \u00b7 ESV<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
Ephesians 5 is one of the most cited and most misapplied passages in conversations about Christian marriage. Men have used the wife’s call to submit as the operating principle while quietly skipping over the far more demanding call placed on the husband. Paul does not spend one verse on the husband’s authority. He spends seven verses on the husband’s sacrifice.<\/p>\n\n
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That is the standard. Not managed her. Not led her. Not taught her. Gave himself up for her. The Greek word is “paredoken,” which means to hand over, to surrender, to deliver up completely. It is the same word used in the gospels when Jesus is handed over to be crucified. Paul is not describing a husband who is in charge. He is describing a husband who is on the cross.<\/p>\n\n
The purpose Paul gives for this sacrifice is breathtaking: “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present her to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” The husband’s role in the marriage is not to correct his wife into compliance. It is to love her in such a way that she is built up, made whole, and flourishes. The measuring stick is her flourishing, not his authority.<\/p>\n\n
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:28-29 \u00b7 ESV<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
The words Paul uses here, “nourishes and cherishes,” are deeply intimate. The Greek for nourishes is “ektrepho,” meaning to feed, to bring to full development. The word for cherishes is “thalpo,” which literally means to warm with body heat, the way a bird covers her eggs. Paul is describing a husband who creates the conditions for his wife to grow and thrive, not one who uses the Bible to manage her behavior in an argument.<\/p>\n\n
Peter reinforces this in 1 Peter 3:7, telling husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way,” honoring them as fellow heirs of the grace of life, and adding a warning that is often overlooked: “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” The quality of a man’s relationship with God is connected directly to the quality of his treatment of his wife. This is not a small thing. Peter is saying that how you handle conflict with your wife affects whether heaven hears you.<\/p>\n\n
The accidental Pharisee in a marriage knows all of this scripture. He may have even used it in this week’s argument. The question is whether it is shaping him or whether he is using it to shape her.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
“You don’t get to be the measurer of your fruit.”<\/p>\n
Pastor Jeff Little \u00b7 Fruitful Series<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
The accidental Pharisee in a marriage rarely sets out to use scripture as leverage. It begins with genuine conviction. He gets serious about his faith, starts studying, finds things he genuinely believes about marriage and leadership and God’s design. All of that is good. But if it isn’t matched by an equally serious engagement with his own need for growth and grace, it quietly becomes a credential he uses in conflict rather than a mirror he holds up to himself.<\/p>\n
Jesus said in Matthew 7:3, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” He was talking to people who were spiritually serious, people who cared about righteousness. His point was not that they should ignore sin. His point was that the self-examination should always precede the correction of others. Always. Without exception.<\/p>\n
A husband who is genuinely being sanctified by God’s Word will look less like a prosecutor and more like a man who is increasingly aware of how much grace he himself requires. That awareness makes him gentle. It makes him curious before he is corrective. It makes him a safe place rather than a courtroom.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
Craig and Jess have been married eleven years. About two years ago Craig joined a men’s Bible study and got serious about his faith in a way he hadn’t been before. It’s been genuinely good in many ways. But Jess has started going quiet every time Craig opens the Bible during an argument.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n
THE FLESH RESPONSE<\/p>\n
They’re arguing about money. Jess spent on her sister’s birthday and Craig is frustrated. He reaches for the spiritual framework; what the Bible says about stewardship, about a wise woman building her house, about the husband as the head of the household. He believes all of it. But he’s not opening the Bible to find wisdom together. He’s loading it.<\/p>\n
Jess knows the difference. Her face goes flat. She says “okay, Craig” in the tone that means they are done. Craig won the argument. He doesn’t notice what he lost.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n
THE OUTCOME<\/p>\n
Jess stops bringing real things to Craig. She manages the finances, the hard conversations, the kids’ needs, all without asking his input because input now comes with a verse attached. The marriage functions. It doesn’t feel like a partnership.<\/p>\n
Fruit on Craig’s tree: A Wife Who Manages Alone \u00b7 Truth Used as a Weapon \u00b7 Love That Stopped Being Safe<\/span><\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n THE SPIRIT RESPONSE<\/p>\n Craig is frustrated and he knows it. He also catches something underneath the frustration: a question that stops him. Am I trying to love her right now, or am I trying to win? He takes a breath. “Hey. I reacted before I listened. Can you help me understand what this birthday dinner meant to you and your sister?” Jess blinks. That is not the Craig she was bracing for.<\/p>\n They talk for forty minutes. The money still needs to be addressed, but it gets addressed as a team. When Craig goes to bed that night he prays for Jess instead of reviewing his points. That prayer is the beginning of something.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n THE OUTCOME<\/p>\n Jess tells her sister a few months later, “I don’t know what’s different about Craig, but I actually like being around him now.” She doesn’t know Craig has been praying every morning to love his wife the way Christ loved the church, not as a concept but as a daily practice. That prayer is producing something she can taste.<\/p>\n Fruit on Craig’s tree: A Wife Who Runs Toward Him \u00b7 A Marriage That Breathes \u00b7 Love She Can Feel<\/span><\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n CONNECTING TO THE FRUIT: LOVE<\/p>\n Sacrificial love, the kind Paul describes in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13, always costs the giver something. For Craig that cost was his need to be right in the moment. He gave up his position, his framework, his prepared points, so that Jess could feel seen. That is not weakness. That is “paredoken,” the same surrender Paul uses to describe Christ giving himself up for the church.<\/p>\n Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13 that love “does not insist on its own way.” The Greek is literally “does not seek the things of itself.” A husband who insists on his own way in a conflict, even a husband who is technically correct, is operating from flesh. A husband who sets aside his need to be right so that his wife can be heard is operating from the Spirit. The difference is not whether you know the truth. The difference is whether you love your wife more than you love being right about the truth.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n My wife has been my greatest sanctification for almost thirty years. Not because she’s a project, but because the way I love her in conflict reveals exactly what I’m made of. When I’m harsh, I know the flesh is driving. When I’m patient and curious, I know the Spirit is doing something I can’t manufacture. The fruit on my tree in my marriage is the most honest report card I have. I don’t get to grade it myself. She does.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n BEFORE YOU CLOSE THIS TAB<\/p>\n 01 \/ THE MOTIVATION CHECK<\/p>\n In your last significant conflict with your spouse, what were you actually trying to accomplish? Were you trying to be understood, to be right, or to understand her? Which of those three most describes what your wife would say you were after?<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n 02 \/ THE SAFETY QUESTION<\/p>\n Does your wife feel safe bringing things to you that she knows you will disagree with? When is the last time she brought you something genuinely hard and walked away feeling heard rather than corrected?<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n 03 \/ THE EPHESIANS 5 MIRROR<\/p>\n Paul says a husband should love his wife the way Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her flourishing. Honestly, is your wife flourishing in your marriage right now? What would she say?<\/p>\n <\/div>\n\n 04 \/ THE LOG CHECK<\/p>\n Before the next conversation where you’re tempted to lead with correction, take sixty seconds and ask: what is the log in my own eye in this situation? What am I bringing to this conflict that needs to be addressed in me first?<\/p>\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n\n CLOSE WITH THIS<\/p>\n Lord, I want to be a husband whose wife feels nourished, not managed. Forgive me for the times I’ve used your Word as a gavel instead of a mirror. Show me today what it actually costs to love my wife the way Christ loved the church. Let that cost be something I’m willing to pay. Sanctify me through this marriage, and in the process, let her flourish. Amen.<\/p>\n The flesh uses truth to win. The Spirit uses truth to serve.<\/p>\n Stay in step with the Spirit.<\/p>\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body>\n<\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" USING THE BIBLE AS A HAMMER There is a particularly dangerous version of the accidental Pharisee that shows up inside Christian marriages. He loves his wife. He is serious about God’s Word. He has done the reading, attended the conferences,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":63,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-and-home","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/SU_20260304_BLOG.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=62"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":66,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62\/revisions\/66"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/63"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=62"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=62"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stumbleup.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=62"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The Fruit Your Marriage Needs From You Is Love<\/h2>\n\n
Coaching Questions for Today<\/h2>\n\n