“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
Derek, 41, is a guy who tends to win. He’s good at it. At work, in conversation, in the low-grade ongoing negotiations that make up the texture of a long marriage. He knows how to frame an argument. He knows where the pressure points are. And when Sandra meets him at the kitchen door with that particular tone in her voice, a familiar part of his brain starts queuing up the rebuttal before she’s finished the first sentence.
He’s been doing this for 14 years. He’s gotten pretty good at it. That’s not a compliment.
Here’s what nobody talks about when we talk about being the spiritual head of the household: it doesn’t mean you’re the decider, the referee, or the final voice on every disagreement. Paul is actually pretty specific about what it means. You love her the way Christ loved the church. And Christ didn’t love the church by winning. He loved the church by laying Himself down.
The point was never to be right. The point was to give yourself up.
First fruits to your wife sometimes looks like sitting on a comeback you’ve been rehearsing since the parking garage.
Derek doesn’t say everything he thought of. He takes a breath; not a dramatic pause, just a moment. He thinks about what it would mean to trust God with the things he can’t control here. He thinks about what Sandra actually needs from him tonight, not a verdict, but a husband. “You know what, you’re right. I hear you.” He says it as genuinely as he can manage, and where he can’t fully mean it, he gives that part to God and trusts He can handle it.
The conversation doesn’t spiral. Sandra’s posture changes. The distance that was starting to form doesn’t grow. That’s not because Derek was a doormat. It’s because he chose the harder thing, the sacrifice, over the easier thing, the win.
We often read the Ephesians 5 passage and jump straight to the word “submit” in verse 22, and we either bristle or we misuse it. But Paul has already set the whole thing up two verses earlier in verse 21: “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” It runs in both directions. And then he makes clear what the husband’s version of that submission looks like. Not authority. Sacrifice. Every time.
First Fruits in Marriage — What This Looks Like:
First fruits to your wife means she gets your patience before your irritability. Your presence before your phone. Your tenderness before your pride. She gets the version of you that leads with sacrifice, not with score-keeping.
God is in control of the outcome. Your job is to love well. Let Him sort the rest.
Heart Check — Tuesday:
- Am I treating my marriage like a debate or a partnership?
- Does my spouse get my best energy, or what’s left after I’ve spent it everywhere else?
- When I picture what Christ’s love looked like for the church, does my marriage reflect any of that?
- Am I trusting God with the outcomes I can’t control in my home, or am I still trying to manage them myself?
Your marriage is not a courtroom. She is not your opposition. Give her your first and your best. Let God hold the verdict.
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